I Can Do It Myself!

It's the line every parent looks forward to their little one's saying, right after "I have to pee" (new moms I'm telling you, angels sing and everything). It's the sign that you don't have to do EVERYTHING for your little one anymore but then you hear it...

"No Mommy, I can do it myself!"

I'm all for Chunks being independent and self reliant, really I am "Put on your underwear and pants yourself, you got it" "Don't have grandma feeding you, you're a big boy!" "Don't tell me you can't do something if you haven't even tried yet" all lines you'll hear from me in the house but this just opened up a whole other crazy world for us.  This past week alone, he's gotten curious with matches my grandmother had in her kitchen to "start the smell goods" (light the candles) cue our 1st lesson in fire safety.

And I caught this picture:

of him climbing up to get a bowl out of the cabinet to mix up some pancakes o_O! When I came in to tell him about playing around the stove and climbing up on chairs he said it was ok because "I making pancakes!" Then I went on to mix up the ONE pancake he wanted and he told me "I can do it myself, Mommy!". When he looked at me my heart melted because I'm raising a self starter who believes he can do anything and it's working, as bad as it's making my nerves, he's getting it.

He's curious, he's attentive, he's smart, and inquisitive and it's all the things I was hoping I was nurturing, now I need to remind him that he should still ask for help with some things. Work in progress....

Truth Moment

I started this post 3 times and just couldn't hit the publish button but I've had to face it more and more recently but I'm at a point where I can be honest and ok with it all enough to get it out here...::sigh::

Most girls know all the details of their wedding from the kind of dress they'll wear, to the color scheme, location, and cake flavor and honeymoon location from the time they're playing with Barbies. They have an idea of their dream guy and some, even where they'd live, me-not so much. The one thing I've known since the 7th grade is that I was going to be a mom: with 3 children (2 boys and 1 girl), their names, a little of their personalities, born 3 years apart...

This was supposed to be the year. Chunks turned 3 and is fully potty trained, we're settled into life in NYC, some of my major debt is taken care of, and I'm happy and ready...but I'm not.

I had no energy to do anything, I wake woke up every morning at 3:20a on the dot for no reason and paced the floor, I didn't go out , opened up to no one and no one noticed because I did a great job at covering it all up on a daily. I took better care of my hair, played in makeup more, and shopped for a sharper wardrobe- I'm cute! Lol It took a heart to heart with a very unlikely person to realize I've been swimming in disappointment for so long I had been fighting depression almost all year and didn't know it.

Like so many, I didn't know what it was or what I was feeling so I had no clue what to do to get this funk off me. I blamed work, stress, bills, studying when really, THIS was the year Baby #2 was supposed to make his/her grand entrance and I've been sickeningly, downright SAD about it all year. It wasn't going to happen and thoughts that it was never going to happen haunted (honestly still haunts me from time to time) me all year. I'd see women come to the hospital or trying to keep up with their 3 or 4 year old balancing their growing bellies and I'd just feel deflated no matter how great my day was. It seemed everyone I knew was having their Baby #2, even those who didn't want them. I'd joke with friends and co-workers that I hated them but they never knew how real and painful it was.

I think coming to terms with the truth of my marriage and that it shouldn't have happened in the first place I've come to peace with it, it's just hard to let go of a dream sometime, especially one mapped for so long. But what is for me is for ME and if more children are meant for me I'll meet them when it's the best time for all of us. Logic tells me that it would be REALLY hard to raise two right now on my own but my heart doesn't get it sometimes. I pray God truly knows how grateful I am for this ONE child because he is SO perfect for me and almost exactly how I envisioned him (weird sometimes) but I so badly want Chunks to have siblings. Maybe he needs to go through a bit more to be an amazing big brother or maybe he needs my undivided, only child attention to be the man he's supposed to be. I was not meant to have all the answers and I'm getting comfortable with that (it's a PROCESS lol) and I now know what they mean when they say "You want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans". I know I was meant to be a mother and I already am, maybe the total is just a number in my heart, maybe it's meant to be He knows and when it's time each child will come to me when it's right and I'm getting better at it.

I write this because I really was one of those "I don't get depressed" people but it's real and it isn't always the extreme portrayed on tv and it's not a sign of weakness. I lived my life, I functioned at work even got a raise, Chunks and I lived through potty training and thrived so it's possible it's just harder with this weight on your heart and not being able to pin point what's causing it. I have to say gospel music, two good friends, and twitter get me through harder days I've even been told to have quiet time after Chunks goes to bed with a few glasses of wine (I'll try this next lol) but thankfully it's getting better with the year coming to an end and the more I focus on where we are right now and not so much on where I dreamt I would be back in my teens.

What's a solution for you when you're in a funk you just can't shake? Sorry for the loooong post it was good to get it all out though.

Just Another MANIcure Monday-On Wednesday

The tree's up and lit in Rockefeller Center, Black Friday's come and gone, so I am in official holiday spirits and on VACA. Well, I took the rest of the week off (I felt my mind overloading and needing to just get away) and Our tree just went up and Donnie Hathaway has played all week so far so it's Christmas...BUT you didn't come here for all that-on to the nails.

I found these great herring bone strips from Sally Hansen and the nails just came to me! So I'm going with OPI's O'Hare & Nails Look Great! for the festive feel. I really like how they turned out, especially since the red isn't old lady or hooker red lol which always stopped me from wearing it.

Looking forward to the other details on this link up! 

Only Men Can Raise Men

I got a phone call from my sister in law a while ago which was her failed attempt of trying to create some kind of bridge. Apparently her brother went back to Philadelphia singing a woe is me tune that some how they all bought and she called me to defend her brother smh after I clued her in on the REAL story she was stuck and came out swinging with "Can't no woman raise no man and all those women talking 'bout I'm mother and father can come up off all that" and I QUOTE!

Initially I rolled my eyes at the ignorance, when you've lost an argument bow out and shut up ::sigh:: but I have to be honest and say it struck me because it was the first time someone had spoken my only fear about this whole break up. We have not seen him since he left, the last time I heard him he was blaming me for him running away from home and while I would prefer that he stay gone with all that nonsense I worried about what this meant for Chunks.

WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT BEING A BOY?!?! I grew up with boys, was a tomboy all through high school, knew a lot of street and intellectual men so I know what it should look like but when he has those "boy" thoughts, how do I relate? If he's around me more than anyone else how do I differentiate what girls do vs what boys do? If I sit on the step like a lady how do I show him how a man is supposed sit? All these little things crept up on me and put a fear in me.

This was my first real time looking at me team. He's with me the majority of the time but he sees my father and brother on a daily basis, very manly men. I've chosen a great guy as his god-father who I hope he gets to spend more time with as he gets older but with whom he has a pretty cool relationship with so far so it can only get better. Since I was a tomboy I still have a lot of male friends that I grew up with around and they love him just because he's mine.  So I do have a pretty decent group around me that can influence the man Chunks becomes so I don't HAVE to know everything about being a guy, but raising a good man, I Got THAT! And what boys do and what girls do? JUST SAY SO lol crazy what we'll allow our heads to think when we doubt ourselves. I say ALL that to say, never let anyone put their insecurities and narrow thinking on you because that's NOT your burden to carry. Play the hand you were dealt the best way you know how and let God work the rest. I won't be a single mom forever (speaking it into existence) but MOMMY is the job I hope to excel in.