Most girls know all the details of their wedding from the kind of dress they'll wear, to the color scheme, location, and cake flavor and honeymoon location from the time they're playing with Barbies. They have an idea of their dream guy and some, even where they'd live, me-not so much. The one thing I've known since the 7th grade is that I was going to be a mom: with 3 children (2 boys and 1 girl), their names, a little of their personalities, born 3 years apart...
This was supposed to be the year. Chunks turned 3 and is fully potty trained, we're settled into life in NYC, some of my major debt is taken care of, and I'm happy and ready...but I'm not.
I had no energy to do anything, I
Like so many, I didn't know what it was or what I was feeling so I had no clue what to do to get this funk off me. I blamed work, stress, bills, studying when really, THIS was the year Baby #2 was supposed to make his/her grand entrance and I've been sickeningly, downright SAD about it all year. It wasn't going to happen and thoughts that it was never going to happen haunted (honestly still haunts me from time to time) me all year. I'd see women come to the hospital or trying to keep up with their 3 or 4 year old balancing their growing bellies and I'd just feel deflated no matter how great my day was. It seemed everyone I knew was having their Baby #2, even those who didn't want them. I'd joke with friends and co-workers that I hated them but they never knew how real and painful it was.
I think coming to terms with the truth of my marriage and that it shouldn't have happened in the first place I've come to peace with it, it's just hard to let go of a dream sometime, especially one mapped for so long. But what is for me is for ME and if more children are meant for me I'll meet them when it's the best time for all of us. Logic tells me that it would be REALLY hard to raise two right now on my own but my heart doesn't get it sometimes. I pray God truly knows how grateful I am for this ONE child because he is SO perfect for me and almost exactly how I envisioned him (weird sometimes) but I so badly want Chunks to have siblings. Maybe he needs to go through a bit more to be an amazing big brother or maybe he needs my undivided, only child attention to be the man he's supposed to be. I was not meant to have all the answers and I'm getting comfortable with that (it's a PROCESS lol) and I now know what they mean when they say "You want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans". I know I was meant to be a mother and I already am, maybe the total is just a number in my heart, maybe it's meant to be He knows and when it's time each child will come to me when it's right and I'm getting better at it.
I write this because I really was one of those "I don't get depressed" people but it's real and it isn't always the extreme portrayed on tv and it's not a sign of weakness. I lived my life, I functioned at work even got a raise, Chunks and I lived through potty training and thrived so it's possible it's just harder with this weight on your heart and not being able to pin point what's causing it. I have to say gospel music, two good friends, and twitter get me through harder days I've even been told to have quiet time after Chunks goes to bed with a few glasses of wine (I'll try this next lol) but thankfully it's getting better with the year coming to an end and the more I focus on where we are right now and not so much on where I dreamt I would be back in my teens.
What's a solution for you when you're in a funk you just can't shake? Sorry for the loooong post it was good to get it all out though.